….and I’m sitting there, in this room looking around me.
He’s not what I was expecting at all, a man as old as his eyes, and considerably older than his teeth. Immediately drawn to the bright orange ring around his head, this once powerful man sits on a throne adorned by what once must have been an intricate and expensive tapestry. From a half sleep he raises his head and growls, what do you want?
A woman appears like the sun in the east adorned in a yellow dress as bright as a thousand halogen lamps, two bowls of soup and a plate of alternating home made cakes and wafer biscuits, to my surprise being introduced as his wife, she certainly doesn’t look a day over 29.
As she leaves the room he leans forward and in a quiet conspiratory tone suggest I go for the Tunnocks, ‘I used her rock cake recipe for the teutonic plates‘ he confides.
With the Ice broken, I push my luck on finding the truth about the man.
What is your all time favourite single?
That would have to be Hands Up by Ottawan
Can you tell me why so many of your representatives on Earth wear dresses?
I haven’t the heart to tell them after so many years, Harry Monk came to me about writing the scriptures but he was a little mutton, I said ‘dress up and celebrate’ – ‘not celibate’, he gives a little chuckle.
A little distracted, I see a younger man in the garden, somehow vaguely familiar. Catching my eye out the window he explains
That’s Joe, always coming to visit. He was living down on Earth, got a part in one of the soaps playing a carpenter, but he got a girl from the cast pregnant. Then he denied having anything to do with it and the press absolutely crucified him, Jesus Christ will he ever learn, came back last easter. Only good thing he ever done, brought me back a chocolate buttons egg.
Trying to lighten the mood, I ask which football team he supports?
It’s a team I founded the Saints, my niece even got me a shirt with my name on the back and the number 7, which has a lot of significance to me, she’s a real little angel that one.
Mentioning your name, it’s unusual?
Not at all, it’s from my middle name, Godfrey, Godders at school but shortened over time, I was actually christened Damien Godfrey Burnett.
So I see a Nintendo Wii in the corner do you use it to play ‘Life on Earth’?
No, not for a long time as soon as Steve Jobs arrived, I got hooked on the iPad and YouTube, have you seen the Gangnam Style video, I must have watched it 800million times.
Well I’ve taken up too much of your time already but one last favour, is there any advice you can give me going forward?
Two things lad, never eat yellow snow, and never ever say FUCK at the dinner table.